Acronympho May 7
Hola amigos! I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya. The site is up and running - neat, right? Well, fuck you then, we’re working on it! Slowly.
I’m taking this opportunity to see what a post looks like… wait for it… with a picture!
Twice (2x) every weekday I pass this poster, and it makes me giggle every time. Actually, it’s been making me giggle for months now, ever since it was installed, but the graffiti has upped the hilarity by a good tenfold. So in case you can’t see, it’s an ad for an exterminator with a simple dead (upright) roach on a clean white background that just says “NOMKF”, which it explains underneath as “(Not On My Kitchen Floor)”. I have waged a very subtle war to enter this fantastic acronym into our everyday lexicon with no success of yet, but I can think of SO MANY uses for it! It can substitute for your traditional NIMBY acronym (which I’ve always felt was much too pronounceable) or for many other standard, everyday phrases. I often think of a sassy old black woman saying it (oh not on MY kitchen floor!), and honestly it could substitute for the pigmentally challenged among us when we need to say any variation on “nuh-uh, girlfriend!” or “get that shit out’ my house!” or even, I think, “oh no he di-n’t!”
The graffiti, though, is now what makes it for me - in case you can’t actually read it, it says “hump your dick in this.” I would hope this alone is enough to make you chuckle, but in case you are skeptical of hilarity when it’s right in front of you, allow me to explain. The mere idea of a dead roach asking for, no, demanding coitus is really only marginally funny at best. A “fuck me” would elicit nary a grin as I pass. Now bringing back the word ‘hump’ at all is probably going to make me grin, as I have what I’ll call a taste for the not-so-explicit dirty words of our extreme youth, ‘barf’ being another of my very favorites. But it’s not just ‘hump me’ or ‘hump me with your dick’ (which I thought was implicit in humping, no? Can one hump without one’s crotch, at the very least?) It’s “hump your dick in me” which really drives a pretty good semantic (metalert!) wedge between onesself and one’s dick, does it not? Somehow I’m reminded of the best ever (I assume) King Missile (a dick joke itself?) song, I’m seeing a guy holding his dick as he humps it… meaning his dick… into it… meaning the roach. Or maybe it’s just the confused object of the ‘humping’ that makes me giggle - how could you hump your own dick? Maybe in the process of humping it you find yourself inside an enormous roach. Anyway, NOMKF! (OMFG!)
Things I liked this week(end):
Arcade Fire live
Five Guys now convenient
The new winning eleven - holy shit that’s fun.
Things I didn’t so much care for this week(end):
Cinco de Mayo at Alero. Basically, never go to a Mexican joint on 5-May. It’s like going to an Irish pub on St. Pat’s. Were there too many people there? Yes. Could I hear what anybody at my table was saying, as a result? No. Did I also have to wait outside in the rain for a half hour? Yes. Did the food taste better than a tv dinner? No. Do I enjoy this asking-myself-questions-that-I-can-answer-in-one-word format? Eh, I’m not wild about it.
As a final thought, though, Cinco de Mayo goes right along with St. Pat’s and Oktoberfest as ethnic-themed holidays that marketers came up with to A) sell booze and B) fill dead spots in the holiday calendar. Who could be opposed? In that spirit, since I’m a devoted Francophile, I support boozing egregiously and acting like a prick to everyone this coming Bastille Day. Since, however, this follows so closely on the heels of our own Independence Day, I open it to the floor: what other nationalities deserve a day of drinking dedicated to them? Bonus points if you can fit them into dead spots in the calendar (I’m looking at you, June and August.) Submit your proposals in the comments (please!).
Caseus Velox May 7
Not even a shout out for the pic and the timely sending of said pic? You’re probably too busy giggling like a small girl over the cockroach’s entreaties to be violated in a completely unrealistic fashion by a 34-inch argument ender.
And for the holiday, I, of course, recommend Purim, which is known for having this as a recommendation for a celebration, “Drinking wine to the point of “not knowing the difference between the phrases “Cursed is Haman” and “Blessed is Mordechai”.” Of course, it’s very difficult to tell when the hell it is, except that I was born on Purim way back when. So pretty much I love it. Also, how can you hate on Cinco De Mayo, when the glorious country of Mexico beat the crap out of your beloved French? And you better love you some Juneteenth (the 19th) and National Aviation Day (August 19).
Matthew Barney Gumble May 8
Ingratitude is my art, CV, or did you not see my post about my parents?
All I think of in relation to Purim is “For Your Consideration”, which I didn’t see, but from what the trailer told me features a movie within the movie called (I think) “Home for Purim.” Would this movie feature heavily in this holiday? As a follow-up, has anybody seen this movie? I haven’t seen a bad Guest movie, so…
Belle May 8
I was at Alero early Saturday evening, and it wasn’t the least bit crowded. Perhaps we beat the rush. My Cinco de Mayo partner in crime also suggested a huge blow-out for Bastille Day. Since it will involve booze, I am, of course, in complete favor.
DaDavidLenchMob May 8
For Your Consideration is good. All the individual scenes are roughly outlined then everything in them is actually improvised as before but it isn’t in the same documentary style. Instead it’s styled just like a normal movie. It’s certainly not the best of the Guest movies but probably worth seeing. Also note that as the Oscar buzz starts to build around “Home for Purim” one of the producers, Ricky Gervais, comes in and makes them de-jew the film leaving it “Home for Thanksgiving”. Back to the question at hand though, allow me to suggest Szent István ünnepe or St Stephen’s Day. St Stephen was the first king of Hungary. There are fireworks on the bank of the Danube and more importantly they apparently show off his mummified right hand known as “The Holy Right” which I’m pretty sure is just a mistranslation of the Hand of Glory. How can you beat that?
Vermonstrous May 8
Bloomsday! Because clearly, the Irish drink enough to deserve TWO boozy, ethnic-themed, dead-spot filling calendar spots. June 16 is otherwise about as dead as it gets. All that and hey, James Joyce.
Vermonstrous May 8
Also… Wiki tells me the SMS Szent Istvan is an Austro-Hungarian dreadnought battleship, sunk by Italian torpedoes in 1918, and one of the only ships whose sinking was filmed. Hand of Glory… Dreadnought battleship… totally deserves a holiday.
Ragesong May 10
lollercaust! I really don’t think the world needs another acronym, but perhaps this tech support thing is making me bitter. I was also disappointed by cinco de mayo, but for entirely other reasons. Apparently, my neighborhood on the southside of Chicago, which is CHOCK FULL of hispanic people of varying origin… they go absolutely nuts for the Fourth of July. We’re talking full on fireworks displays until the wee hours of the night and the cops rolling apprehensively by with no intention of stopping the melee. Yet, somehow, inexplicably, there was not so much as a blackcat exploded. What does this say? I don’t know… unhealthy and biased opinions of a culture I’m not a part of? perhaps…
Pyromania? almost assuredly.
In any case, more things should explode more often. That’s all I know.