MBG owes me $20… May 13
It seems only appropriate that my first post is the grossest, nastiest, most bodily functioned one we’ve had. After all, someone’s got to do it, and I might as well start my ratio of dirty to clean posts at a negative(?) level.
Anyway, the other night during a game of Trivial Pursuit with MBG, CV and some other friends, a discussion of what No. 3 and No. 4 should be (in relation to the well-known No. 1 and No. 2). The discussion continued to Friday night with MBG, another friend and myself, when we came up with the following nomenclature*:
- No. 1: Urine
- No. 2: Feces
- No. 3: Semen
- No. 4: Vomit
- No. 5: Blood
This led to discussions of how the 24 was bad, but you really had to watch out for the 42. We realized we weren’t sure how to tell the difference between those two items (are they shitting and vomiting at the same time? Vomiting shit? Shitting vomit? Who knows?!) so we proposed a two-tier system:
- A single double-(or triple-)digit number: Doing two (or three) of the above at the same time (e.g. 24 (or 42) — Being so sick you’re vomiting while shitting).
- An exponential: Doing one of the above with another of the above. The regular digit is what is coming out of you and the exponent is the action. e.g. 51 — Pissing blood. Or 24, henceforth referred to as the South Park).
So yeah, that’s probably what you can expect from the blog, or at least me, from here on out. Lots of lists. Some possibly even dirtier than this one.
* Believed to be in order of total occurrences in the adult population, from most to fewest, and without considering menstruation**
** edited May 14, 2007 to stop me from having to actually equivocate like a muthfucka
Caseus Velox May 13
So how do you designate those five not coming out but going in? And in what order would it be? I suggest the following list:
1) Brown Bunny
2) Vampirism
3) Urolagnia
4) Coprophagia
5) Jimi Hendrix
The Maestro May 13
CV, I might swap 2 for 3 on your list (though I’m not exactly sure what it would say about me if I did), but otherwise I think I agree.
Caseus Velox May 13
Well, we all know how I feel about both blood and urine, but I think that more people are OK with drinking blood than urine. I mean, blood can transfer the HIV, while urine is sterile, until it touches something dirty. Then again, I never wrote a paper about lesbian piss drinkers. The sociological implications of that just aren’t as interesting.
The Maestro May 14
The sociological implications of that just aren’t as interesting.
That’s what you think, my friend. I know of some Web sites whose readers who would say you’re completely wrong…
Vermonstrous May 14
In order of occurrence in adults? Not in 50+ percent of them…
The Maestro May 14
“Ridin’ the cotton pony” doesn’t count for bleeding in this discussion.
Vermonstrous May 14
Uh huh… and semen?
DaDavidLenchMob May 14
I thought number three may have smelled a bit of male privilege at first too, but before I got around to posting I had to jerk-off like 3 or 4 times so I think it stands.
Vermonstrous May 14
You’re honestly going to make me debate this? Fine.
1) I call bullshit on discounting menstruation. You make blanket generalizations about adults, but completely discount something nearly every woman of child-bearing age does roughly once a month? That’s crap.
And 2) even if, as The Maestro posited in a side discussion, .52(0) + .48(No. 3) > 1(No. 4) - which I concede it might - then you STILL should change “believed to be in order of occurrence in adults, from most to least common” to something along the lines of “believed to be in order of occurrence in the adult population, from most to least common,” because “in adults” at least implies in most adults/in all adults/in the average adult, at which point the whole semen/blood thing loses all validity, while “in the adult population” gives you some degree of non-sexist credibility as it explicitly states you’re looking at total times, overall, rather than anything even remotely individual.
Mostly semantics, indeed.
DaDavidLenchMob May 14
First of all I want to make it clear that not including menstruation in this list is just stupid. It’s clear that The Maestro thinks girls are oogy. Second, I took his original phrasing to refer to an average across the population. How would one even endeavor to look at this not averages across the whole population? It seems to me that at least 3-5 are honestly kind of up in the air as to their ordering and, in certain cases existence, for any particular individual. Hell, my personal anecdotal evidence would only agree with number 1 on this list. Like a certain super agent Darren Lamb I produce a PRODIGOUS amount of– I mean I just think that this honestly quite wide potential variance of fluid expulsion requires averaging across entire populations or maybe we could get along just fine with an incomplete goofy numerical nomenclature like we did before now.
Matthew Barney Gumble May 14
Two things:
1) I think something that is missing from the intro, here, is a reminder that though this is a fairly disgusting topic (not that you can tell by the admirably adult way in which we’re all handling it) the whole point of inventing such nomenclature is so you don’t have to say it. I will be happy that we set this up now when, some indeterminate time in the future, the Maestro returns from the bathroom with an ill look on his face and can just “oh man, 5 squared.” No need to go into further details. This is a public service we’re doing here.
2) How/why do I owe you (the Maestro) $20? I mean… lord knows I owe you much more money than that, but I can’t come up with any way that anything in the post actually ties back to the title, even using all the non-post info to which I’m privy.
and what the hell,
3) as for the actual discussion at hand, my tweaks: vaginal discharge (aka fem-cum!) should certainly be counted in the 3/semen or heretofore, I propose, ’sex slop’ category. I hesitate to comment on the bleeding gashes subject (oh shit I can see VT’s eyebrow raising already) but as an honest question, doesn’t the consistency of menses make it a somewhat separate fluid from blood? I could be wrong but isn’t there at least an ovum in there or something? Not that I’m suggesting a reclassification or a new digit or anything, necessarily, just think this deserves some hashing out.
The Maestro May 14
MBG, please check the 24 link above for the reference in the post’s title.
As for the other two points, I’m 1) quite drained (no pun intended) and 2) leaving for the game, so I can’t reply at this time.
Matthew Barney Gumble May 14
Also, and I should have pointed this out before, CV, but in reference to the eaaaarliest comment, going in is the inverse of going out, so I’d argue that urolagnia is under this classification -1, vampirism -5, etc.
So this means that to accomplish the 2^4, Cartman started with a -4^2. Well, that’s not *quite* right, as he didn’t like funnel barf into his poo-hole, but uh…. it was the best example of that sort of nomenclature I had.
Caseus Velox Dec 12
I know this is from seven months ago, but I just wanted to allow for other people to weigh in, without, you know, actually telling them they can do so. AskMetafilter, the best website ever with a green background, had just about the same question asked a couple days ago here. And thus, I remind everyone of this extremely pleasant post.