Neeeeeeeerds! March 25
Ok, so, tough question time. We posed this to Tomahawk Chop (one of four or so unofficial roommates here at the Castle) last week and it spurred much deliberation, so I thought it’d be a good one to turn over the the ‘crowd’ (our massive, adoring readership). Simple question: rank the 5 (official) roommates, from nerdiest to least nerdy.
Now, many - possibly most - of you know all of us. Some maybe only two or three of the five. Momentarily I will take the time to introduce each of your contestants (along with snazzy photos!). But before we get down to that, let’s take a moment to discuss the meaning of the term. UrbanDictionary has plenty of excellent options (seriously, I encourage you to check those out, some of them are pretty fantastic, especially the one that ends “so jocks, fuck you, and go eat your steroids”) and you’re (of course) free to rank according to any of them or by your own use of the term, just please, as you do so, take a stab at defining your terms. It seems like most of the definitions revolve around some combination of smarts/esoteric knowledge and socially awkward, which conforms pretty closely to my understanding of the word.
In case you’re wondering, I don’t think any of us particularly care where we fall on your list - we all pretty much embrace our nerdiness, but not to the degree that we care if one of our esteemed colleagues is deemed nerdier. So put us first or last without any concern for how we’ll feel about it.
ON TO THE CONTESTANTS!
MBG (me):
Pro (arguments in favor of my being the nerdiest): Captain of at least five different nerdy high school activities (A-team debater, FBLA President, founder of the mock trial team, captain of the history bowl and literature bowl teams.) Either the best or a close second among the roommates at Trivial Pursuit and associated games. Has a membership on boardgamegeek.com. Unbelievably pathetic romantic history. Hates sunlight. Easily the fattest and least-fit. Plays video games incessantly, with special preference for sports simulations. Is the world’s worst (or best? no, worst.) snorer. Wears ill-fitting clothing out of laziness. Is the most prolific blogger of this sad lot.
Con: Likes sports. Enjoys drinking, smoking, drugs. Goes to a lot of concerts. Despite professed misanthropy, is arguably the social linchpin of the group (others roommates include two high school friends and two college friends.)
The Maestro:
Pro: The other roommate who is potentially better at Trivial, etc. Conversation with the Maestro has been likened to “talking to a magazine.” Is probably even more into sports sims/fantasy sports - managed to turn the xbox version of pretty much any sport into a running column in the local newspaper back in the day. Internet-centric occupation. Reads comics. Manages to listen to the official Lost podcast each week, plus reading many of the blogs on the topic, and summarize for all of us. Likeliest of the group to bitch out on going to a party (some argument here that it’s actually MBG). Is the biggest buffy nerd of us all. Has diagrammed/offered to diagram both lost and buffy. Has never really smoked pot.
Con: Has a girlfriend. Usually does, too. Likes sports. Has hip taste in music (hip enough that it might actually switch over to a pro argument, actually - your call.) Is a functional dresser.
Meatball Surgery:
Pro: Probably the biggest comics reader. Owns and has watched every single episode of MASH on dvd (by himself, primarily) (source of the handle.) Would probably be considered the quiet one by most objective observers. Is the likeliest to be seen wearing a truly nerdy t-shirt, like his NASA one or the Vermont Dairy Festival one. Was a math major and president (I think) of his nerdy math club in college. Owns a plant he calls Mr. Planty.
Con: Girlfriend. Exercises, is very fit. In general, gets out of the house a lot. Proficient guitar player. Plays a small-to-moderate amount of video games. Does volunteer work. Drug history second only to MBG. Can always be counted on to join the party or go out drinking, what have you. Was prom king.
BananaFlux:
Pro: The only actual scientist in the house. A physicist at that (he made me take out ‘particle’ because he thought it was too confusing - something about vacuums, idk). Prone to long scientific explanations of things at the slightest provocation. Science Olympiad captain in high school. Very likely to offer a non-sequitur for the sake of seeming weird to people. Knows multiple programming languages. Played tuba in high school band. Incredibly anal about measurements and procedures when cooking. Owns a milling machine and uses it frequently, often in conjunction with lasers. Spends most of his disposable income on science equipment. Is the only roommate who ever reads the sunday NYTimes that still for some reason is delivered to our house. Unrepentant snob about virtually everything.
Con: Also girlfriend. Also physically adept - swim team captain. Doesn’t care about *watching* sports at all (maybe that goes in pro? not sure.) Does volunteer work, like Meat (different volunteer work, but still volunteer work.) Smokes occasionally. Drinks frequently. Proficient at guitar. Definitely the likeliest roommate to achieve a random tryst with a girl at a bar or a party. Escorted the homecoming queen in high school.
Sherpa Herpes:
Pro: The only roommate who can say something weirder and more discomforting than BFlux. Does so regularly. The biggest word nerd in a house full of them - teaches us new words consistently. Writes poetry. Romantic history enviable only to MBG. Has probably the most ‘challenging’ personality - will not generally take the little shortcuts that grease social interaction (hopefully that makes sense by itself?) Calls his jade plant ‘Planty’ (no Mister). Was not only a big debater in high school, went BACK to be the assistant for his high school team for years.
Con: Definitely the roommate I’d pick in a brawl between the five of us, owing to his two black belts. Runs more frequently than even Bflux or Meat. Never turns down a social invitation and is generally up for anything. Plays pretty much no video games, except for Rock Band (though less than the rest of us.) Used to do drugs but is more mature than that now. Would beat any of us in one-on-one basketball. Has done hard time.
Once there are some responses I’ll, at least, take a stab at ranking us myself.
Shena Mar 25
I tried to fight my own bias and look at the FACTS (instead of just going “I know three of these dudes! they are big nerds!”)
1. MBG - of course you win!
2. Sherpa Herpes - one seriously weird dude.
3. Banana Flux - possibly more geek than nerd.
4. The Maestro - meh. I’ve seen nerdier.
5. Meatball Surgery - “Mister Planty” isn’t nerdy, it’s adorable. It would totally be a hit with the ladies. Disqualified!
Shena Mar 25
oh also? Nice Miis, nerds.
Tweaks Mar 25
Things Omitted:
MGB - Easily the easiest of the roomates to strike up a conversation with at a party and he will make you laugh. (not nerdly) but he will argue about ENYTHING which is anoying (yes nerdly)
Maestro - Second most comfortable roomate to talk with cause he is never condescending about his superior knowledge of the world (not nerdly). He has red hair (Yes Nerdly)
Meatball - Makes out like a nerd, trust me.
BananFlux - The most bitter person I know right now (not nerdly, disguntled = cool), he makes inapproriate sexual inuendos and jokes when he is short on conversation or looking for attention (yes nerdly)
Herpes - Speaks Korean (not nerdly) “will not generally take the little shortcuts that grease social interaction” in bold and italicised to the extreme (yes nerdly)
Where’s my Mii?
Tweaks Mar 25
I forgot to rank
1. Herpes
2. Meat
3. Maestro
4. MGB
5. Flux (sounds like fucks, get it?)
Tomahawk Chop Mar 25
Although it was my initial ranking that prompted both the entire discussion and the “WHAT THE FUCK??” reaction, I will repeat my ranking here, for digital posterity:
1. Sherpes
2. Maestro
3. MBG
4. BFlux
5. Meatball
Agree with Shena that Meat should be disqualified. No nerd was ever prom king.
Also, Tweaks: 1) ’splain how one makes out nerdly; 2) Red hair is sexy.
Sherpes’ “‘will not generally take the little shortcuts that grease social interaction’ in bold and italicised to the extreme” is true. Ask my immodest breasts.
Agatha Mar 25
Get worse, nerds.
ViPre Mar 25
Simple. Remember the first principle of Revenge of the Nerds, RotN II, Nerds in Paradise, and One of the Nerds Gets Married or Something: the opposite of a nerd is a stupid jock frat boy.
Using this perfect measure, it appears the most nerdy is Meatball Surgery. Let’s look at the facts: he loves M.A.S.H. Not Lost, a show which half the people in Walmart at any given time are huge followers of, but M.A.S.H., a show which ONLY retirees and nerds and kids home sick with mono still watch. Second: he exercises, but doesn’t play sports. Guitar is neutral on the nerd-notnerd spectrum, as evidenced by the existence of Disturbed and Bauhaus. He has girlfriends, but it’s a safe bet they’re all somewhat quiet and nerdy themselves. Also, he reads comics a lot. Also, his last three jobs have been like a perfect storm of nerditude: accountant, ESL teacher, patent office inhabitant. We must also consider not just his substance history, but exactly how he handles substances… if I recall correctly, when substanced, Meatball simply becomes a little more easily delighted, and remains rather quiet and very gentle.
ViPre Mar 25
Tie for second place: B. Flux the skank physicist, Sherpa Herpes, and Maestro.
MBG: Least nerdy. His trivia mastery fails to reach the heights of nerd value because it stands no chance of earning him a decent income and helping him someday run the world, which is the potential fate of any TRUE nerd. Cf. Maestro’s decent paying gig involving web skilz and BFlux’s obvious physicisticality, not to mention Meatball’s trifecta of nerd jobs. Also, while MBG has a thin romantic history, it’s embellished with less than romantic, though in some sense heroic, episodes of which common decency and the sacred bonds of brotherhood oblige me to breathe not a single word more. Dawgness lies far from nerdness, let’s just say. Also, by several of urbandictionary’s definitions, a nerd is quite not a social nexus, whereas MBG is quite like the black hole which forms at the center of each galaxy and serves to hold all the other stars together. MBG’s intense love of wayyy too many sports in ridiculous quantities of time and energy investment marks him as lying well into stupid jock frat boy territory. Not that sports are stupid. Just any semblance of passion for them.
Shifty the Mick Mar 25
I don’t accept the “smart/esoteric knowledge” portion of the nerd definition. My understanding is closer to a combination of general social awkwardness and uncommon interests that aren’t hipishly uncommon. Basically, if you told the average person you were interested in X, the nerdiness derived from it would = (general social disapproval of interest) x (rarity of interest) x (intensity of interest). That would combine with the general social awkwardness level to form an overall nerd score something like (awkwardness)squared x (interest score) = NERD! score. Of course I’m too lazy to actually assign values to each subject to make this formula useful, so I’ll be applying the tried and true prostitution standard. Hooray for subjectivity!
I don’t know BananaFlux well enough to evaluate him, but the other four pretty clearly go:
1. Sherpa Herpes
2. The Maestro
3. MBG
4. Meatball Surgery
One could argue for switching 2 and 3 around, but Sherpa is the unassailable champion here.
Matthew Barney Gumble Mar 25
Is the prostitution standard in some way different from the obscenity standard? Is that just what you meant and I should stop being a dick, or is there actually some prostitution standard that I don’t know?
Shifty the Mick Mar 25
Yeah, I meant the obscenity standard. Shifty is tired; hates world.
Caseus Velox Mar 25
It was smart of you to not include me in your list, because otherwise, I would win hands down. I combine the nerdiness of many of you in one person, along with many other things, far too nerdy or embarrassing to ever mention anywhere.
Pro: I have a spreadsheet of every CD (over 600), DVD (over 300), and video game (only 40) I own (somehow I haven’t added books to it… that might happen now), along with a record of every movie I’ve ever seen along with how it rates on a scale from 1 to 10 (over 3500, average rating of 6.7 and average release of mid-1985). I actually have kept every piece of writing for any school project from seventh grade on. Which also includes my CV from high school, a list of four pages of me getting awards for everything from Outstanding Latin student to every type of science competition possible to Outstanding Calculus Student (for which I got a beer mug?) to two-year editor of the school paper to box office staff for basically every play throughout my four years. But it’s four pages of me being a huge nerd. I have no idea how I was able to have any form of a social life. Which I did, even if it was being mocked by people at punk shows for wearing a sweater. See, nerdy. I also have never, ever smoked a cigarette, don’t drink alcohol or caffeine (well, I do occasionally, but mainly for medical reasons), prefer to spend time in my room watching movies and TV shows, read many comics, and have over 230 feeds in my feed readers (yes, I have multiple feed readers). I’ve been online since 1994, I started blogging in 2001 (and for a portion of the time, had multiple blogs, the other of which is just me talking about what movie or tv show or concert I went to recently), and have actually been paid by people other than my family for computer work (both on an ad hoc basis and also as a job). I was a computer science major until it made me so physically ill that I almost dropped out of school. I’m something of an Asianophile and will frequently pepper my language with English (UK) phrases. I almost never stay out late, and am up by 8 every day. I’m a font of useless trivia, although my brain tends to go blank often when needed or I overthink it. Consistently wish I owned the blue Cooper Mini with the English flag on the roof with a license plate of Tard1s even though I’ve never actually watched Doctor Who. Also, I apparently write long comments to prove my nerdiness, thus being far more nerdy.
Con: I’ve had quite a few girlfriends, and… I can’t think of anything else to put here. But I think the girlfriends may be overcome by some of the stories about my love life. One of which is ridiculously funny, but it won’t be online anymore, and in general, I have a huge amount of awkwardness when it comes to women.
Rank of you guys:
1. Maestro
2. MBG
3. BananaFlux
4. Sherpa Herpes
5. Meatball
Also, I agree with Tweaks: where’s my mii?
Tweaks Mar 26
Ok, for all you saying prom king exempts Meat from nerd status. I would like to point out that he was prom king in Springfield Missouri, which by east coast standards ALONE makes him nerdly. All those church going, tractor driving, dip chewing, hillbilly freaks, voted one king for them all, and his name was Meat.
Bobby McObvious Mar 26
1. MBG 2. SH 3. MS 4. TM 5. BF
Also using the obscenity standard, and giving Lyleman bonus points.
And CV, I might not be able to beat you, but I think I’d rank pretty high on the Castle Associates list myself.
Isley Mar 26
I have to go:
1. MBG
2. Sherpes
3. Maestro
Since those are the only people I know.
I would also like to point out that MBG’s board game geek account has only been signed into once and thus doesn’t really count which made his number one spot over Sherpes quite a tough choice. The fact that he game me a Lord of the Rings poster once gave him the edge.
Shifty the Mick Mar 26
Coming from what is almost certain to be the most church going, tractor driving, and dip chewing of hometown populaces likely to view this blog, I feel obliged to note that we are quite a bit more devoted to electing the anti-nerd idol as prom king than the general populace. My class’ king was a blond, blue-eyed football star with little interest in academics who enlisted in the Marines on 9/12/01 and was killed by an IED during his 3rd tour in Iraq. He was my friend and I loved the guy, but I cannot think of a single characteristic that would remotely approach anyone’s definition of nerdy.
Willa S. Preston, Esquire Mar 27
So I know MBG, Meatball, and BananaFlux better than The Maestro and Sherpa Herpes, but I do love to deliberate, so I’ll wade in anyway. (I’ll also be pulling a Potter Stewart and will be relying heavily on good ol’ “I know it when I see it.”)
1. MBG– It’s the combo of his love of trivia, involvement in only the nerdiest of extracurricular activities, and that je ne sais quoi of nerdiness that seal the deal for me.
2. Sherpa Herpes–Something about the dictionary usage at game night…old school nerdy, but nerdy nonetheless.
3. The Maestro– Excellent at trivia and looks up what he doesn’t already know. To me the computer makes it new school nerdy, and, therefore, ever so slightly less nerdy than Sherpa Herpes.
4. BananaFlux–He is a physiscist, and knows crazy smart science’y stuff (waaay over my head–and I have an engineering degree). But, he was, dare I say, popular in high school. In conclusion, he does nerdy things but is not 100% nerd.
5. Meatball–Similar analysis as for BananaFlux. Does some nerdy things, but isn’t necessarily a nerd. The PTO is pretty darn nerdtastic, but I don’t think his nerdy activities can overcome being Prom King.
Note: MBG was never the captain of the literature bowl team, but, to be fair, he was still on the team all four years of high school, which is about equal on my (clearly scientific) scale of nerd. (Sorry MBG, I had to say it.)
Chris Apr 4
Which one of you decided you needed to quantify all of this information and run a contest about it?
He is the nerdiest one.