Mostly Semantics

This one’s been a long time coming. Many… probably most of you… are familiar at this point with what my plan is. This is all part and parcel of what I’ve been terming “A Renewed Commitment to a Healthier MBG.” Just in case I haven’t told you already, though, allow me to explain.

I’m a big fat dude. It’s just… not that I’ve always been, but certainly for my adult life, that is me, y’know? I mean, it helps that I’m 6′4″… that helps distribute my weight, but… there is grossly too much of it. I know that, and I’ve had the creeping feeling a million different times before that I had to really change my lifestyle to correct it. Its an issue that has affected my self-esteem in deep ways since I hit puberty and probably has retarded my development as a person and blahblahblah, you’re not my shrink but suffice it to say I need, for a variety of reasons, to be skinnier.

As I said, I’ve had this feeling a million times before, but no matter the plan I devise I’ve never before stuck to it. In fact, I almost always quit within a day or two. Running is a huge pain in the ass for me - I hate it. Also, I love food. FUCK, I love food. And since I was a tiny kid I loved to push myself to eat more - always more. Mr. Gatti’s, you taught me this trashy behavior. Probably also got me even more into video games - j’accuse, Monsieur Gatti!

But so this time is different, for a number of reasons. The first is that I have a fitness goal. This is super-embarrassing to write about (this is actually definitely the most embarrassing post ever, but, thanks, Tweaks, for teaching me that posts that embarrass yourself are the best kind) but the reason I want to lose weight now is the impending release of Wii fit. It will make exercising a video game! Finally! I have been waiting for this my whole life! Also, it will keep a little graph for me! GRAPHS! This is FOR ME. It will totally work, and I will not trust anybody who tells me differently. This is seriously invented for me. I intend to wake up and do it for at least a half an hour every morning.

One problem though.

The Wii balance board, you see, is engineered for only persons of a maximum 330 pounds. At the time, at least, I was certain I exceeded that. I began cursing my luck and talking about this with Jessica, who, well, helped me out. Literally here is our conversation (we were already talking about wii fit):

5:00 PM Jessica: the graph is definitely the selling point
5:01 PM me: I kind of want to use this as an excuse to go on a crazy-person diet
Jessica: oh?
like what?
me: I don’t know
I was hoping you would help me out with that
you read cosmo
5:02 PM what’s the craziest crazy-person diet available to me?
Jessica: i mean, like, crazy-person as in, “south beach?” or crazy-person as in, “mary-kate olsen?”
hm
i’m always thinking i’ll try vegetarianism as a diet. i bet that works okay, and you still get to eat delicious things
me: no I mean like the all-bacon diet, or the all-pomegranate diet, or something batshit
oh yeah, I could try that too
Jessica: south beach food looks good, but i don’t know what kind of stupid rules there are to it
me: that would be a serious exercise in restraint for me
I fucking love meat
5:03 PM Jessica: the best crazy-person diet i’ve heard of recently is the syrup/lemonaide/cayenne thing
heard of this?
me: NO!
Jessica: hehehe
me: THIS SOUNDS PERFECT THOUGH!
I LOVE THOSE THINGS!
Jessica: it’s literally a liquid fast, wherein you consume nothing but lemonade (or maybe lemon juice? i forget) and syrup with cayanne pepper in it.
for like 10 days
they have some kind of wack-job reasoning for it
5:04 PM me: I need links please!
Jessica: like, the sugar in the syrup has chemical reactions with the acid in the lemon blah blah
let me find it
one sec
me: this sounds like it would make for some really interesting poops
Jessica: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/master-cleanse-cleanser-lemonade-diet.html
hehehe
so it’s worth it just for the science experiement!
5:05 PM but if just avoiding meat would be hard, i can’t imagine avoiding everything except fucking syrup and lemons
the recipe for the drink is like halfway down
5:07 PM apparently crazy hollywood types have been doing this diet
me: OMG
this would be the most epic accomplishment of my lifetime
Jessica: hehehehe
5:08 PM me: and can you IMAGINE THE FUCKING BLOGPOSTS!?!
Jessica: i agree
i do want to hear about the poops
but….
me: WHO WOULDN’T!?
Jessica: this can’t be good for you?
oh man
okay
i’m convinced
me: Jessica, you know what else isn’t good for me?
EVERYTHING I EAT
Jessica: but if you have a heart attack or something, don’t blame me
ha
well
okay
but
but
5:09 PM that’s all i got
“but” said very plaintively
i’m outta here. have a good weekend. consult your doctor before consuming ridiculous lemonade beverages.
me: hehehe
Jessica: later gator
me: later!

9 minutes that changed my life. HONEST. So… obviously I couldn’t just do this. I had to get myself mentally prepared. Hell, I had to make some purchases. I now possess 128 oz of organic grade B maple syrup. I also have a nice new water bottle that is large enough to contain more than the six glasses of the lemonade I need daily. I have just consumed my first glass of the senna laxative tea (tastes alright, actually!). Most importantly, when I knew this was what I wanted to do, I quit smoking (cigarettes - and I’ll lay off the weed until I’m off the cleanse too, fwiw). With nicotine kicked, I am good to go. Here’s a beautiful thing that happened tonight, too - I went into the Teet for my organic lemons and groaned - $1.49 a lemon!?! This is insane. Can’t I just use normal lemons? But no, I’m trying to do this right, so until I research the issue further, anyway, organic lemons it is. I grab a dozen, search in vain for a juicer (don’t they still make those?) and check out. I don’t know if the girl was taking pity on me or what, but she definitely rang up my dozen organic lemons for a TOTAL of $1.49. I think this is what they call ‘karma’.

I certainly won’t get this lucky again, so does anyone know - is normal fresh lemon juice different from organic fresh-squeezed? Is there some cheaper option? I don’t think I can afford my impending lemon habit.

Anyway - feel free to get your pools going in the comments here - how long I’ll last, how much weight I lose, anything you want. I’ve already been told by countless of my friends that I’ll never make it, that this is the stupidest idea I’ve ever had, that this is not the right way to lose weight, blahblahblah. I don’t care. It’s what I think I need to do, and it’s what I want to do, and I’m gonna do it. And you’re *all coming with me.* Tomorrow I wake up early to my first big glass of salt water - yumz! I will probably spend the rest of the day shitting out whatever solid food is presently in my digestive tract - oh boy! Over the weekend Ags let me know that her friend who did this a) loved it but b) was also shitting mucus at one point. SO THAT’S WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FORWARD TO HERE! But nomatter - fuck solid food. It’s a lemon party on this end, for the next ten days. Starting weight tonight (on my digital scale that I don’t really trust at all): 326.2.

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